September is a stressful month for us.. Ya, ya I know its November

September is a stressful month for us... I know you are thinking, Hey its Nov. whats your problem? Well I was holding off on writing this because I was really hoping the outcome was going to be different but sadly it was not.

So, why is September so stressful? Well first off our LeiLei has a Birthday in September. Joyful occasion, correct? Truthfully yes, but after a year of Therapy we have also come to realize that the month of September (usually the end) is a trigger month for some of her behavioral issues. You see where we live we actually have Seasons (considering I am a former Southern CA girl, this is just a wild concept!!!) and it is the season more than the month that is a trigger for her. The first few months of her life we do not know much about. It was not until her Biological Aunt stepped in that CPS became involved (at least with her little life, there was another sibling so CPS was technically aware but that is not my Blog post to write about). Countless therapy sessions have taught us that when children have tragedies or neglect before they are able to communicate they tend to hold on to smells, and to images. So for our LeiLei Fall becomes a very challenging time, right up until the weather turns to cold, and then she is good again. Fall is when she was 'neglected' and since she was too little to communicate she probably cried A LOT which in turn probably caused her Biological Mom to neglect her even more. Sadly, for some a crying baby is an annoying baby. So put them in a Pack and Play and just leave the house. For minutes on end, hours on end, and yes days on end. I am sure LeiLei does not remember the neglect, but I guarantee when the air changes it causes her great unease. Therefor we struggle with some incredible outbursts.

We also have another reason why September is such a challenge. We are fortunate to have an Open Adoption with JayJay and Ademans mom. Our agreement is 2 supervised visits a year and September is one of those visit months. I have yet to get use to a visitation month, each day that ticks by while waiting for that phone to ring is filled with anticipation, nervousness, and turmoil. It is not until the phone rings that I actually feel myself exhale just a bit. This month the phone never rang... We had  decided that if the call came through in Oct. we would still honor the visit. Yet again the month went by and the phone did not ring. I am saddened, truly saddened. We have had many conversations about how to handle what might be unfolding, will the phone ring during her next scheduled month? Is she done? Will she, years down the road want to start back up with her visits? I know our answer... We love our children so much that we will immediately start back up with visits, no matter how much time passes. So now we wait another 4 months until the next scheduled visit, to see what path we are going down. We are connected to her in a very special way, and to say that I don't worry about her would be a lie.

I Like To Think About The Good, It Makes Life Easier, Doesn't It?

Did you know that at 18, children age out of Foster Care? O.K. you probably did know that... Have you ever thought about what that really means? I can say that (even being a Foster Parent) I both have and have not thought about it... I know what it means, but it is so very depressing that I try not to think about the full ramifications of a child being forced out of the Foster Care System.

I like to think about the Good. I like to think that there are more Good Foster Parents than Bad. I like to think that there are more Good outcomes in Foster Care then Bad outcomes. It just makes life easier when you focus on the good, doesn't it? We can just go on our merry way not worrying about the bad. We can just focus on ourselves, and not worry about everyone else. Is that what life is about? Are we intended to only worry about ourselves and not others? Am I here only for the purpose of getting myself safely through this journey called Life?

I recently read an article about a child who aged out of the system at 18, which for him equated to a High School Junior. His Foster Parents (who lets just say probably should reconsider giving up their Foster License which is my nice way of saying they should have never had a License) who were no longer going to receive money for him, told him to move out. Yes, told him to move out. He was technically not a Foster Child anymore which means ALL of his services ended, including his monthly reimbursement from the State. Since this was probably an income generator for this family, he needed to go so that they could fill his spot with someone that could bring in money. So, this High School Junior was now homeless and had no medical insurance... Can you imagine?!?! What were you doing your Junior year in High School? I know I was having a pretty good time, between friends and Proms, and first jobs it was fun, and I was carefree. Not that kid, he no longer had a roof over his head and God forbid anything medically happen to him.

Did you know that only 1%-3% of all Foster Children end up in College? Now does this all start to make sense? At 18 they age out, which means at 18 a majority of them become INSTANTLY homeless. I haven't met a single homeless person that is attending College, have you? Homeless and no medical coverage. Why do I keep bringing up the no medical coverage? Well because a good majority of Foster Children suffer from various illness. No medical, means no medication, which equates to a person really struggling to survive. How can they get ahead when they have no home, no support, no counseling, no medications... It is pretty bleak. It is heart braking.

I stumbled across this bit of info this past week, and I have to pass it on. If you know any child getting ready to age out, or maybe recently aged out make sure they are aware that they are eligible until the age of 26 to continue to receive medical insurance through the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). This will be a huge relief for many who have or will be aging out. For those that have applied for coverage under this Act you know how complicated and time consuming it is. Many former Foster Children will not be able to handle the task of signing up, and like anything there are some Very dumb loopholes that will hopefully get worked out. The child will have to reside in the State that they aged out of to be eligible for coverage. That being said there are currently 180,000 eligible former Foster Children that are NOT taking part in this... So please I ask of you to spread the word. If you come across a former Foster Child that was denied coverage, you tell them to march right back in and not leave the office until they have coverage. Many enrollment workers are not even aware of this provision, but YES it exists. Getting this information out is hard, unfortunately many former Foster Children just disappear. Many ending up on the streets, many not wanting to be associated with Foster Care.

I ask of you to spread this information to everyone you know. It is one way that you too can help.

Just because you can turn it into a lesson, maybe you shouldn't...

Biggest lesson from this last vacation... Just because you can turn an activity into a great Lesson, doesn't mean you should or are prepared for the after effect from the Lesson.

So, as you all read, we decided to go crabbing while we were on vacation. We purchased our license, but since Mother nature was messing with us a bit, we did not buy any gear. We really weren't even sure we would be able to get out there to go crabbing. At last there was a break in the weather so we went for it.

Hubby managed to pull out 7-8 clams using a kids sand shovel and pail. We brought them back to the campsite and tried to identify the clams so we knew what we were looking at. That is when we decided to make a Lesson out of it. We placed a large vinyl tablecloth on the floor of our fifth wheel and went for it.

We had already soaked the clams revealing their true colors and shell designs. That in itself was fun for the kids.

We allowed the kids to touch and feel the clams before we opened them up. We talked about how hard their shells were and how they can pull their shells closed, etc.

Then hubby started popping them open. That is when it got interesting. I decided on a spur of the moment that it was the perfect opportunity to talk about how we all look different on the outside but on the inside we are all the same.  Each one of our clams had different colors and shell patterns. BUT, when you opened them up they looked exactly the same. I looked over at Hubby while I was explaining this to our kids, and he had the 'wow, you go momma' look on his face. Our conversation went well, with no questions about our family makeup, or the fact that we all look different. I remember thinking to myself, 'wow, that was easy, and that went well'...

Fast forward... We were packing up our trailer getting ready to start the long voyage home when LeiLei (out of nowhere) asks... "Is JayJay Black?" I nearly dropped the dish I was washing. Poor Hubby just froze... To which I said, " LeiLei we all look different don't we?" Then I think I went on to say, "JayJay is chocolate just like her brother, and you LeiLei are vanilla". That made the kids giggle and then JayJay add that she loves chocolate ice-cream. Once the words ice-cream were muttered the conversation was over. Now I must say that they have talked about it a few times since we have been back, but I don't think they really get it yet.

So like I said earlier... Just because you can turn something into a Lesson, really think about whether or not you are ready for your family to have that lesson. All in all it worked out o.k. and I am glad I did it. But, let me tell you, in the future I will think about what is about to come flying out of my mouth before it is to late.

We failed 23,439 Foster Children in 2012... It's wrong and we need to wake up and fix this problem.

This is heart braking... You all know that our three children were adopted through Foster Care, and if money grew on trees I would fill my home with Foster Children. Unfortunately I have yet to find that money tree, so for the moment my role is to advocate for all of those children in Foster care, help raise awareness. I came across this article today from CNN that really put everything into perspective. The article is actually written by Rita Soronen the president and CEO of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.

 In 2012 in the United States, 23,439 children in foster care turned 18 and were "emancipated" or "aged out." What does that mean?  Well most were put out into the world on their own without housing, financial assistance or emotional support. Can you imagine being 18 and having nobody to turn to? Such a 'turning point' age, for those of us with family to turn to we were guided to either go to college or start working. These kids have no guidance, and this is their sad reality.

Per the article...In 2012, U.S. authorities received more than 3.3 million reports of abuse, representing about 6 million children, or 8% of the child population. After investigation and intervention, about 400,000 children were placed in foster care, and of those, nearly 60,000 were permanently taken away from their families of origin.

That means in 2012 alone, 60,000 children were added to the ever growing list of children needing homes in the United States... Makes you a little sad, doesn't it?

Per Rita Soronen (Dave Thomas Foundation) - Because we know that children thrive in families -- not institutions or transient, temporary care -- we made a promise to those children. We promised the day they were permanently separated from their families that we would find them new ones. A place to call home, to be loved, supported and cherished, as every child should. We failed 23,439 children last year, and legally emancipated them from care. This world is not an easy place for children to grow and thrive on their own. Too often it is not even a safe place. Conservative studies find one in five will become homeless after 18; at 24, only half will be employed; less than 3% will have earned a college degree; 71% of women will be pregnant by 21; and one in four will have experienced post-traumatic stress disorder at twice the rate of United States war veterans. And too often, many are at risk of moving back into government systems -- from juvenile centers to prison.

There are currently over 100,000 children in Foster Care waiting to be adopted. They are legally free meaning the Birth Parents rights have been removed. We can not afford failure! Can you imagine the ramifications of failing 100,000 children? Every one of these kiddos deserves love, stability, education, and support. Every one of these kids placed in a supportive home could concur the world if just given the opportunity.

Yes, we have an Open Adoption, and today we have a visit with a Biological Mother

The day has come.. JayJay and Ademan have two visits a year with their Biological Mother, something we set up when we finalized their adoptions. As you probably are aware by now I am a HUGE fan of open adoptions.

I think people have the wrong idea when I say Open Adoption. Our definition of an Open Adoption is two visits a year and two letters (or E-Mails) a year. We do not get together for Birthdays, or Holidays, and we are not 'friends'. We feel that twice a year is enough for all of us to heal. It allows opportunity for questions to be answered, and conversations to be had. Some families have far more "open" Open Adoptions than us, and for them it works. For us twice a year is just fine.

I was getting a bit nervous as March was coming to a close and we had not yet heard from her. But finally at the very end of the month we received the call. So today we will at meet at the Therapists Office, and I wonder if today will be the day that JayJay starts to 'get it'. I woke up almost in a cold sweat last night with all kinds of scenarios running through my head. Envisioning JayJay asking me way more challenging questions than I am ready to answer. We have always referred to their Biological Mother as 'Miss .....' (not putting in her name for privacy) because that was easy, and I figured JayJay was to young for me to refer to her as 'Your Biological Mother'... I just did not think she would gt it, and I figured it would confuse her, but I think that day is coming. All of a sudden those words are hard for me to say. They should not be, that is what she is, she is their Biological Mother. I think I am not ready for my daughters, perfect world bubble to be burst. Right now I am her world and it is easy and perfect, I am her superhero. I hate to bring confusion, sadness or pain to her world.

It is not easy to fix someone elses' mistakes and problems. Being an Adoptive Mom is a struggle, some days are super easy, some days put you in an incredibly dark place. But when my kids look me in the eye with that sparkle in their eyes,
I know that they are mine. They are bonded to me, and I am their safety. I will be the one that they call Mom, I will be the one that wipes their tears away, I will be the one they sit and giggle with, I will be the one that is there for all of their milestones and achievements, I will be the one to teach them life skills, I will be the one that they run too. I will be their MOM...

So today this MOM will sit in an office with HER children and visit with their Biological Mother, the woman who made it all possible.

A HUGE update to my previous 'March, I could take it or leave it post'. Thanks to our Behavioral Therapist for my A Ha moment today.

I dont have many 'A Ha' moments, but when I do.....

This is an extremely personnel post and quite honestly I hope I am doing the right thing by putting it out there. Since the name of my Blog is Where Do We Go From Here, Life After You Adopt Your Foster Child, it is my responsibility to share this with you.

Today we had our Behavioral Therapy appointment and I was not expecting today's conversation with the Therapist to go the way that it did. For the first time, I had a moment during the session. We have not been there in a few weeks due to scheduling conflicts and illness, and during that time many concerns had started to pop up with my kiddos. I made sure that I had my list so that I could be prepared and not forget anything while I was there.

Since we needed to have an adult conversation the kids went off to the play room and we went to her adult room. I began by telling her that Ademan has begun to bite his nails, his speech (only while at home) has deteriorated it almost borders on a mumble, and his overall demeanor is not nearly as happy as before. Then I moved onto JayJay who has been wetting her bed, she is now telling us she is terrified of monsters, and she is showing us quite a bit of defiance. Last but not least LeiLei in the past three days has also begun to wet her bed, as well as her brothers bed, and last night we discovered that she is also peeing on the floor in her room (in a specific spot). Allot of this started around the time that I got sick with Laryngitis. Unfortunately while I was voiceless it was not smooth sailing in this home. I was tired and frustrated and just not fun to be around. On top of that what little voice I had was very ugly sounding and almost 'attacking' sounding.

So back to my 'A Ha' moment. While I was talking she was flipping back through her previous notes to try and come up with something. That is when the bombshell was dropped. We started seeing the Therapist about a month after LeiLeis birthday. Initially we started going because LeiLei was non compliant close to 80% of the time. By December she had improved immensely thanks to our Therapist. Then in December we spiked back up in the form of anger and violence. January and February were pretty good and now (March) we have the issue of peeing. O.K. just follow me on this one.... Imagine placing all of those events on a graph.. Now lets start a new graph titled LeiLeis Timeline of her first year of life. The first dot would be September when she was born. The second dot would be around the Holidays when she left her Biological mom and went to live with her Aunt. The third dot would be around March when she came to live with us. Now combine the two graphs... All of her outbursts are occurring exactly when she had traumatic events in the first year of her life. Now lets try it with JayJay... Back in January is when we decided to have JayJay start seeing the Therapist as well, o.k. JayJay was born in January. Complete defiance this month, March ( I mean game changer type of defiance) well March is also the month she left our care when she was a baby (court ordered). Same phenomenon as LeiLei... Ademan, has had many women in his life that have played the role of mom. So earlier this month when I had no voice and I was not acting like my normal self he probably went into protect / shut down mode. he was probably gearing up for everything to change yet again. During the first year of life we can't express ourselves by talking. So our other senses really kick in. We will correlate smells and sights with experiences. The best example of this is when you experience a loss of a loved one. Always in the month of the anniversary of their passing you are not quite yourself. As an adult you are aware what month they passed away in so when that month comes up you start to think and anticipate the actual date. Many times you aren't even aware what is happening but as the actual date approaches you start to develop a bad mood or fall into a funk. Then you look at the calendar and immediately you realise that are hovering around the anniversary date of a loved one that you lost. Well for little ones they associates sights, smells and sounds with life experiences. For example seasons, Spring and Winter, what the weather was doing at the time of the event. What were the smells? What were the sounds?

Here is what is amazing. I don't know if you remember but not that long ago I wrote a post titled, March I could take it or leave it. I had all of these reasons for not liking March, but I now realize that they were excuses for not liking March. The real reason I have a hard time in March is because I have experienced the loss of a child in the month of March as well as the arrival of a child in the month of March. So now I am stuck in this pattern of not liking March, because I don't know how to deal with March.. Needless to say, the moment when we put these pieces together today in her office, I broke down. Even my laryngitis (which is quite often a stress induced illness) can be chalked up to all of this.

So Where Do We Go From Here? Well we now need to make the month of March our 'Just Because' month. Meaning we need to relax a bit more in the month of March, and incorporate some special activities that create love and security. Since four out of the five of us now have an issue with the month of March, we will have to be extra careful, tender, loving, compassionate and forgiving with each other. I am so grateful that we were able to put two and two together today. Hopefully we can start to heal.

We have an Open Adoption with JayJay and Ademans Biological Mom, and March is our visit month

Honesty and openness are good for everyone, and really it is the key to a good adoption. Kids that are adopted are filled with questions. Who are they? where did they come from? Do they have other Biological siblings? They may even fantasize about their Birth Parents (think Cinderella and Prince Charming). So having an Open Adoption really helps answer those questions. I firmly believe that an open adoption is the key to a successful adoption. How 'open' to make the adoption agreement is very personal. For us we do two visits every year as well as two letters with pictures. March and September are our scheduled months for JayJay and Ademan to visit with their biological mom. December and June are our letter months.

Starting at the beginning of the visitation month I become filled with anxiety, and the anxiety does not go away until either we have the visit or the month ends and we did not hear from her.

The way we have it set up is that she is to telephone the Family Therapist and arrange for the visit. The Therapist then calls us and we set the date, then the Therapist calls her back and confirms that the time and date work with her (Bio Moms) schedule. Not everyone chooses to go the route of the Therapist. Some people feel comfortable enough to just meet at a park. We thought it would be better for everyone to have a neutral third party at the visits to assist with those hard 'moments'. Oh and in case you were wondering, yes we pay for these sessions. We are contractually bound to these two visits, and technically so is she. What that means is, if we go MIA for two visits she could technically contact her public defender to find out why we are not showing up. (Which we would never do). She is also bound to this agreement. So if she does not show up for two consecutive visits then we can make the agreement null and void.

With every passing day that my phone does not ring I start to worry. Maybe we will not hear from her, is she o.k.? is she safe? has she moved on? It is not that I am emotionally bound to this woman. But as a compassionate person I would hate to think that the Biological Mother of two of my children is not doing well. I would hate to think that for her sake, and my childrens.

So now we sit and wait for another 18 days.

Calling all Foster Parents, here is a College Scholarship for the College bound in your life...

My kiddos are pretty young, but the day will come when I will be searching high and low for scholarships for them. I stumbled across this one and thought I would share it with you.  I thought it was super cool because it is open not only to Foster Children, but also adopted youth, and biological children of Foster Parents. The parent or adult must be a member of NFPA (National Foster Parent Association). The deadline is March 14 so you will have to hustle to get this one in, but for the possibility of a $500 scholarship I am sure you can move quick! Good luck!!!

Every day I learn something new about raising adopted children...

So today, JayJay realized her nose was brown, just like her brothers. Just as quick as she told us her nose was brown her sister decided to ask me what color my nose was. My reply was "white kind of like vanilla, yours JayJay is brown kind of like chocolate". We sat there on the floor for 4 or 5 minutes discussing our noses. The truth is, for a moment, my heart sunk because I realized that she is starting to see herself as different not the same as mom. Thank goodness she is only 4 years old, and her attention span is that of a gnat. Here is the humor I found in our conversation... She only realized that her nose was brown, not the rest of her. At least I get to slowly work on the color difference topic.

There are many things I am learning (as we go) about raising adopted children. First and foremost, no two adoptive parents do things the same. There is no guideline or checklist on how to raise adopted children. What works for one adoptive parent may not work for another adoptive parent.

Share your childs story with them in age appropriate language. Before our conversations began I was a bundle of nerves not knowing how one can possibly dive into this conversation. Truly I would get so worked up about it that I would almost shut down. Now I realize its not that difficult. Start early with appropriate language. All of my kids know they are adopted, but lets get real... they don't REALLY know what adopted is. That doesn't mean we don't talk about it. We have made the word adoption a very common word in our home, not a taboo word. Hopefully this way it will not come as a complete shock to them.

Do not speak bad about your childrens Birth Parents. My husband and I really don't speak much about our childrens birth parents. When we do if the topic is not child appropriate we wait until they go to bed. Truly, we don't speak bad about them. If anything we think that their situations are very sad. The few occasions that we have spoken about them usually on the way to a visit or after a visit we speak very nicely about them.

If you have the opportunity to continue some form of a relationship with the Birth Parents, do it. We are lucky enough that two of our children get to see their mom two times a year. Our other daughter does not have that advantage. Our child gets to see all of us in the same room, all getting along respecting each other. Having a relationship with the birth family does not mean that child is not yours, it just shows that there are many people who love them.

Just because your child does not look like you does not mean they are not like you. Tell your child about your similarities. Both LeiLei and dad have the same eye color. Both JayJay and mommy have big feet. My childrens eyes light up every time we talk about similarities.

When asked if they are your adopted children. Always clarify that they are your children that happen to be adopted.

These are my children. I will forever love them, and forever let them know that I am here for them.

Our third Foster Child placement...

There we were, we had just finished taking our Oath with the Judge to complete our adoption of JayJay. We stood up to give hugs to everyone who was in the court room, including JayJays Social Worker. She no sooner hugged me and the words, "you know I need to get an answer from you" came from her mouth. To which I said, "we can't do it".

Four months prior I found out that JayJays biological mom was pregnant. About 45 days prior to JayJays adoption they asked us if they could place him with us, (he had not yet been born). We thought long and hard about it, but at that point in time we were aware that we realistically could not do it. At that moment we had a 18 month old and a 15 month old. JayJay who was 15 months old was also undergoing both physical and occupational therapy. I could not imagine a newborn thrown into that mix.  Then about two weeks later he was born, prematurely, with major medical issues. They of course called us again once he was born, and again I said no, but I also said if you cant find anyone please call me.

Fast forward three months... I was checking my messages on our answering machine when I heard her voice. The voice of the Social Worker, and when you do not have a Foster Child in your home but you have a Social Worker leaving you a message you immediately are overcome with emotions. I nervously called her back, and she explained to me that they needed to find a new home for him (JayJays brother). Again I told her no, but left it open by also saying, if you cant find a home call me back.

They were able to find him an adopt home, and that made both me and the hubby feel good. I would be lying if I told you that I didn't think about him. I hadn't even met him and yet I worried for him. He was after all, family.

Fast forward eight months. We had decided at some point during those last eight months that we were done. Our family felt complete and we were not interested in being Foster Parents. So, we let our Foster Parent License expire. There is an old saying, 'If you want to make God laugh, tell Him what your plans for the future are'. Again our phone rang, again it was the Social Worker, but this time there was urgency in her voice. She again needed to find him a home. There was a Court ordered removal and it was going to happen in less than 24 hours. I told her I needed to think about it, and talk it over with the hubby. She gave me until the next morning to get back to her. All I remember from that evening is that we were up late, and I was going rounds with myself. Hubby was ready to bring him home, I was in turmoil. I wanted him, and yet I was not wanting my "perfect" little family to change. I cried through most of our conversation that night. By the time we went to bed we had decided to welcome him home.

The next afternoon we watched the Social Worker pull up our driveway. We bolted out the door before she was even out of the car. Hubby and I watched on as she opened the door to where he was sitting. I gasped, and literally almost crumpled to the ground. I was hysterical, the type of cry where you are sucking in air and not really breathing out. The Social Worker handed him to my hubby since at that point I had to walk away to compose myself. I was overwhelmed for two reasons... 1) He looked exactly like his sister, so it was like looking at JayJay one year prior (almost like seeing a ghost) 2) I knew he was mine, and he was home.

He was not a perfectly healthy baby, he had actually just spent the past four months in and out of the Hospital. He had a stomach surgery called fundoplication.  Fundoplication is used to help with severe GERD, during the surgery they wrap the esophagus around the stomach and then sew it into place. This then helps with reflux. His problem was that he would reflux and then aspirate, so what was coming up was then going back down, but down the wrong pipe. Causing him to develop pneumonia (more than once). At the same time as the surgery they also installed a G Tube (gastronomy tube) for feeding. A G Tube is a tube that is inserted through the abdomen which delivers nutrition (food) directly to his stomach. They opted to do the G Tube because he was also aspirating during his meals. I was scared more than I can ever describe. I made hubby do all of the feedings the first day, because I was terrified of the process. After about a week I was a pro. I was even starting to get the hang of pulling food back out of his stomach when he would get sick. Don't ask, you don't want to know...

The first four months he was with us were very nerve wrecking. There were a lot of people who suddenly wanted him in their homes. All I could think was heck no! It was quite a roller coaster ride with all of the normal Foster Parent emotions. It was month seven when we received the news that mom had relinquished, and he was for sure going to be able to stay with us.

Three months later he legally became ours.

I think it is important for me to be honest with you. I still struggle with the chain of events from the first year of his life. I know I did the right thing by not taking him the first few times they asked. I had to focus on the health of my family meaning my girls. Bringing him into our home with all of his health issues would not have been good for anyone. That being said, I HATE that he had to go through what he went through the first year of his life. By the time he came to our home, he had already lived in 5 homes. That makes me so unbearably sad. Sometimes that is just how life plays out, and you have no control. This little man has completely changed me, even more than my girls changed me. I now see that God already has my life planned out. Why I thought I was in control, still remains a mystery to me. Clearly He is guiding me. I would have never thought I would have the strength to take care of a medically fragile child, and for that, had they called me with the possible placement of some random medically fragile child I would have said no. If it was not for Him, I could not have cared for my son the way that I needed to. Since the hubby and I have now had our aha moment, we will never let our Foster License expire, because you just never know...

Don't forget to claim your Adoption Tax Credit when you file your taxes with the IRS, that is if you qualify...

Why does tax season always fill me with anxiety? It shouldn't, all I have to do is mail everything to my CPA and hope for the best. Something about making sure I have everything in the envelope just twitterpates me... (Yes, in our house twitterpate is a word. Meaning wound up, can't focus, at a loss for words).

I do want to remind all of my friends who have adopted in 2013, to not forget about the Adoptions Tax Credit. Unfortunately this year it is non-refundable, but on the bright side you can carry it for 5 years. Don't ask me how to file it, because like I said earlier I send all of my stuff to my CPA and if like magic a week later I have my Tax Return in my hand a waiting our signatures.

Here is what I do know... For a special needs child you might qualify for the full credit (even if you have no qualifying expenses) which is $12,970... (Don't forget it is not a refund, so that means you may not receive a refund in that amount, it will depend on what your tax liability is). For those who adopt a child without special needs, you will need qualifying expenses. An example of qualifying costs would be Lawyers Fees, and Court Fees.

Here is a link to the IRS website, which may answer more of your questions.
Adoption Benefits

Lets hope for a good, easy tax season!!!

Lisa Vanderplump from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills adopted her son from Foster Care...

Imagine my surprise when I sat down to watch one of my "garbage" shows and found out that one of the characters has a link to Foster Care. O.k. so my "garbage" show is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. It is garbage because there is no value to it. It does not better me, I do not learn from it, and every week it robs me from an hour of my life. That being said, It has sucked me in. I don't have many vices, but garbage T.V. may qualify as one.

So, that being said I chuckled a little bit while watching this weeks episode. You see this weeks episode revolved around the women cleaning out their closets and donating their formal wear to girls in Foster care. The reason I thought it was funny, was because of how extreme their donations were. We are talking about couture gowns, and probably all of the gowns were a size 0. They would have been better off auctioning the gowns off, and using the money to purchase many more inexpensive gowns for many more girls in Foster Care that wanted to go to prom. Just saying....

What really caught me by surprise was when Lisa Vanderplump admitted to adopting her son from Foster Care. I am having such a difficult time picturing her dealing with Social Workers, or dealing with visitations. Lets just say I am shocked, there are so many aspects of being a Foster to Adopt Parent that just do not have her name written all over it. Apparently she adopted her son Max a little over 20 years ago from Foster Care. All I can say is good for her and her husband. Now hopefully they can use their voices to raise Foster Care awareness. Ha! maybe now I can justify my "garbage" show... Probably not...

Foster, Foster to Adopt, or Adoptive... Determining the Foster Parent Role that is right for you...

When we decided we wanted to start a family, we made the decision to adopt. We had no intentions of doing a private adoption, we knew that there were children who were already born that needed homes. What we did not realize is how large of a crisis it really is. The number of legally free children in the United States is just mind blowing. Our choice was to adopt through Foster Care.

I made an appointment with our local Adoptions Social Worker direct from DSHS to discuss the process. She sat me down and explained to me DSHS works with three different types of Foster Parents. There are traditional Foster Parents, Foster to Adopt Parents, and Adoptive Parents. From there she explained that if we only wanted to adopt we would most likely end up with a child that is age 3 and up. So that meant no possibility of adopting a baby. Since we did not have any biological children we really wanted to experience a baby.  We did not know what we were doing as parents, so we kind of wanted to start at the beginning, a baby. Being an adoptive parent, especially if you are going to try and adopt a young child, means you can be waiting a while. I really did not want to wait all that long. So we ruled out Adoptive Parent...

Then there are the traditional Foster Parents. Generally Foster Parents are not adoptive parents. They have no 'intentions' of creating forever homes for these children. They are there to give these kiddos a safe, warm, loving home during a challenging time. A foster parent could have a child in their home for one day or for 18 years. This does not mean that they will never adopt. There have been many Foster Parents that have ended up adopting many Foster Children just because of the bond they have all developed by the time the child is legally free. For us (at that point in time) we were not wanting to be traditional Foster Parents.

That led us to Foster Adopt. By stating you want to be a Foster Adopt parent you are saying your end goal is adoption. DSHS will try to place you with children that seem like they will need a forever home. Still very risky, because at any time the Biological Parent may succeed and the child may go back with them. Or, they may find a family placement (which will almost always out rank a Foster placement). Usually the child will have been in Foster Care for 4-12 months before they will place that child into a Foster Adopt home. That is usually about the time that the Courts want to know what the long term plan for the child is. This seemed like the best option for us.

We were very fortunate that our first placement ( a newborn) actually became our daughter. We were told that we will probably have 3-4 babies go through our home before we had the chance to adopt (even as a Foster to Adopt parent). A scary proposition... As I have stated in other posts she did leave our care for a short period of time. I will never forget what the Social Worker told us... A child has a higher chance of death the first six months of their lives than any other time. Immediately my mind went to SIDS, but I knew you are not out of the woods until age two with SIDS so that didn't make sense to me. I gave her a confused look, to which she immediately replied...Neglect and Abuse... As sad as I was, she made me realize that we may have actually saved that babies life. At that moment I realized the importance of traditional Foster Parents.

All three roles are important and the truth is all three roles overlap. So, just because you choose one, does not mean you cant change your mind or not end up with what you set out to achieve. You could be an adoptive parent who receives a placement, and come to find out you are not a good fit with that child. The department will find another suitable home for that child. You could be a Foster Parent that falls in love with their Foster Child and ends up adopting him or her. You could be a Foster to Adopt parent who after having a child in their home for 14 months, loses the child to a family placement. So when choosing your role think about your end goal. What reasons are leading you to be a Foster Parent? What do you want the outcomes to be? Just know that as a Foster Parent you will need to learn to roll with the punches.

Feel free to e-mail me any questions you may have. Becoming a Foster Parent is quite the confusing process at times.

Did you know that Foster Children have a Bill of Rights?

Did you know that Foster Children have a Bill of Rights, ratified in Congress in 1973? Did you know that Foster Parents in 10 States also have a Bill of Rights? I will save that one for another day. It seems so simple and basic when you read through the Foster Childrens' Bill of Rights. It is sad to me that they even have to come up with such a thing. All Ten Articles are so simple and basic, and yet they have to be stated. I wish all Foster Parents took Fostering as seriously as we do. Every child that came (or comes) into our home was treated (or will be treated) no differently than if they were our biological child. It makes me sick to think that many Foster Children are removed from there homes for whatever horrific reason, and then sometimes placed in a Foster Home that is not much better. If only our country had the resources to provide a true safe spot for these kiddos. I wish more people would adopt from within our country to help ease the burden on the Foster Care System. For all of the Foster Kids out there, you do have Rights!

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Even more than for other children, society has a responsibility, along with parents, for the well-being of children in foster care. Citizens are responsible for acting to insure their welfare.

Every child in foster care is endowed with the rights inherently belonging to all children. In addition, because of the temporary or permanent separation from, and loss of, parents and other family members, the child requires special safeguards, resources, and care.

EVERY CHILD IN FOSTER CARE HAS THE INHERENT RIGHT:

Article the first
....to be cherished by a family of his own, either his family helped by readily available services and supports to resume his care, or an adoptive family or, by plan, a continuing foster family.


Article the second
....to be nurtured by foster parents who have been selected to meet his individual needs, and who are provided services and supports, including specialized education, so that they can grow in their ability to enable the child to reach his potentiality.


Article the third
....to receive sensitive, continuing help in understanding and accepting the reasons for his own family's inability to take care of him, and in developing confidence in his own self worth.

Article the fourth
....to receive continuing loving care and respect as a unique human being...a child growing in trust in himself and others.

Article the fifth
....to grow up in freedom and dignity in a neighborhood of people who accept him with understanding, respect and friendship.

Article the sixth
....to receive help in overcoming deprivation or whatever distortion in his emotional, physical, intellectual, social and spiritual growth may have resulted from his early experiences.

Article the seventh
....to receive education, training, and career guidance to prepare for a useful and satisfying life.

Article the eighth
....to receive preparation for citizenship and parenthood through interaction with foster parents and other adults who are consistent role models.

Article the ninth
....to be represented by an attorney-at-law in administrative or judicial proceedings with access to fair hearings and court review of decisions, so that his best interests are safeguarded.

Article the tenth
....to receive a high quality of child welfare services, including involvement of the natural parents and his own involvement in major decisions that affect his life.

Social Security Offices, make DMV Offices feel like a day at the spa.

For the second time this year I have had to go down to our local Social Security Office. I would rather have a root canal with no pain killers than have to go there twice in one year. Back were we use to live the Social Security Office was no bigger than a coffee stand and the only time I had to go, I was the only person there. We have since moved to a much larger city with quite the wide range of demographics. So, that being said to have to go there twice in one year is awful.

We have made quite the habit out of adopting kiddos over the past few years. Which means name changes and new cards from Social Security. This year when we did Ademans there was a snafu with his name. By the time we caught it, we already had the new Social Security card in hand. So since I had access to a babysitter today, I braved the icy roads and went to the Office. Our office is probably the size of 4 McDonald's buildings. I am going to try and be polite about this... Imagine a building that size filled with cranky people who think a well balanced meal means ordering a hamburger and NOT asking the person to remove the pickles and tomatoes, oh and did I mention they maybe haven't showered in a while. To say that I do not fear for my safety every time I go, would be a bit if a fib. There are the same two security guards manning the metal detector and doing the wand search. Something tells me if there were a true emergency I would have to come to their rescue. Today's conversation (trust me, it was mostly a one sided conversation) with the 400+lb woman who was sitting in front of me had to do with not losing the cell phone she had in her hand, because it was her husbands. She than notified those of us who were sitting close enough to hear her, that her husband would kill her if she lost it, and that she was there at the office because of him... You see he is currently in jail. She then felt the need to announce that she had to go to the bathroom, stood up, and gave us all a show. Apparently when you become a certain size (or have possibly fried yourself with the use of drugs) you lose the sense of feeling. She had no idea the back of her pants had dropped so low that I would have begged for just a mere plumbers crack. Then there was the woman next to me who was telling the world how her baby daughter died a few hours after birth. I cant even begin to tell you how odd that conversation was. She spoke in a way that almost came across as bragging. The more she spoke the more I kept looking at her like, you cant be for real. Thank goodness my number was finally called and I got to go around the corner and take care of business. I did my time, a mere 2 hours, and got his name correctly changed. On my way out I had to pass through the same waiting room, and I almost fell over when I caught a whiff of the body odor filling that room. I was so glad to be out of there...

After that traumatizing event I decided to go to Hobby Lobby, which quickly picked up my spirits. I have a special JayJay birthday party coming up that I need to start working on. So I loaded up with enough supplies and projects to keep me busy up until the party!

What do Steve Jobs, Babe Ruth and Faith Hill all have in common?

Did you watch A Home For The Holidays last night? I will admit that I did not. There were two reasons that I did not watch it, the first being my three kiddos were being so loud and unruly that I could not watch anything. The second reason was because I am emotionally pooped at the moment. I feared that it would have put me over the edge. For those that do not know, A Home For The Holidays is a program that ares right before Christmas on CBS. This was the 15th year that this program has been on. The purpose is to raise awareness for adoption/foster adoption.

Did you know that Babe Ruth, Malcolm X, Dave Thomas, Steve Jobs, Scott Hamilton, Melissa Gilbert and Faith Hill are all adopted... When I here negative comments about adopting children especially those in Foster Care it really makes me want to scream. I don't know about you but I think that list of names all turned into pretty incredible people. None of them had an easy start at life, as a matter of fact they all had it pretty tough from birth.

I understand Foster Care/Adoption can be intimidating, largely due to the miss information out there. Having adopted three children from Foster Care I realize it is not nearly as daunting as people make it out to be.
Is it a challenge? Yes
Is it emotionally exhausting? Yes
Is it frustrating? Yes
Is it rewarding? Yes
Does it fill your heart with love? Yes
Cant you answer all those questions the same way, when asked about traditional parenting? So whats the problem? I think it is easy for people to say that they have thought about doing it, or would really like to do it. When in reality they will never do it. You know what? That is o.k. not everyone makes a good Foster Parent. So if it is not for you, that is o.k.

For those that truly have thought about it and do have questions here is a link to some great information put out by the Dave Thomas Foundation.
Dave Thomas Foundation

One of the biggest misperceptions is that a biological parent can come after a child after the child has been adopted. That is not true... Once a child is legally free the birth parent cannot petition for their return.
Another large misperception has to do with the cost of adopting a Foster Child. Many think that it can be just as pricey as a private adoption. That also is not true. Generally the cost can go from $500 to $2,500. For parents that choose to adopt through Foster Care there is financial assistance. So most are refunded the money they spend on the adoption. I could go on and on...

In a season when we are all so busy being 'Thankful' for what we have I hope that we all spend a moment and think about the hundreds of thousands of children in the United States Foster Care System. Many legally free and hoping for a forever home for Christmas.

Our Second Foster Placement

We were in the midst of transitioning JayJay out of our home (to live with her Bio mom) when we received the call which turned out to be our next placement. We were told she was a healthy six month old girl. She was living with her Bio Aunt (and her half brother) who wanted to find her a good home. Three days later the Aunt (Half Brother)  and the Social Worker drove up to our house and dropped her off.

That was a very emotional moment. I was already dealing with the grief of losing our first placement. I was highly sensitive, you just looked at me wrong and I broke into sobs. So here was a woman who obviously loved this baby and had been caring for this little one, realizing that in the best interest of this child she needed to find a "final" home for her. I think I sobbed the entire time they were here. This baby was so amazingly beautiful, and maybe the chubbiest thing I had ever seen.

She had the opportunity to live with JayJay for one week, and then JayJay left our home. The day JayJay left our home I fell apart, even though I had another living being I was responsible for I couldn't do it. It was a good thing I am married to an amazing man, because he stepped up and took care of this baby for a day or so until I could pull myself together.

She was a pretty healthy baby, the only challenge she had at the time was breathing difficulties. She needed four breathing treatments daily, via a nebulizer. It took about a month to get her completely off the nebulizer. We did not know much about her medical background when she came to us. It was not until later that we discovered that she had heavy prenatal alcohol exposure.

We were told pretty soon after she came to us, that it looked like mom was going to relinquish her brother, and that she would probably relinquish this one as well. The one thing you learn quickly as a foster parent is to not hold your breath. The first two months her bio mom stayed very involved, 2 visits a week as well as a parenting class that this little one had to attend. I was starting to get nervous once again. I wasn't sure I was cut out for this Foster Parent role. Around the three month marker things started to unravel. Over the course of the month her bio mom became less and less active. By August she had completely disappeared. I was very angry with her at that point, because she had left this beautiful baby stranded in the Foster Care System. Thank goodness the Biological Aunt stepped in... She took it upon herself and arranged a 'drive by appointment' with the social worker. The plan was for the Social Worker to have all of the relinquishment paperwork ready (and in her hands) for the Bio mom to sign. The Aunt (who was aware of the location of the Bio Mom) would pick up Bio Mom and drive her to DSHS where the social worker would be waiting in the parking lot. All they had to do was roll the window down and get her to sign. I could not have been more shocked that afternoon when I got the news that it worked. She relinquished... By September we had a legally free baby!

This was not a normal case. It is not common for a child to enter your home and be legally free that quick, five months is very quick. By the time we finished all of our adoption paperwork it was October. We decided to wait until December to have the official adoption.

As you can see JayJay was able to attend her sisters adoption. Pretty cool! LeiLei looks eager to get this finalized, she is even raising her right hand like mom and dad. Three years ago (almost to the date) she became our daughter, an amazing time for us.

Proverbs 22:6, a return on my investment

I am not a big Al Sharpton fan. I applaud him for being passionate, but he is a bit much for me. Although I must say he is not nearly as "loud" as he use to be. He does at times make great points, but sometimes he loses me in how he tries to make his points. I recently saw a clip from an interview he did in which he was talking about his mother and his childhood and he made a statement that I thought was amazing. This was his quote "You know someone loves you when they invest in you and there is no guarantee that they will get a return on their investment." Wow...

This can hold true for any parenting situation but as an adoptive mom this really hits home. I love my children as if they were my biological children. I don't see them as anything but my beautiful babies. They may as well have come from my womb. I will forever invest in my children and I understand that there may not be a return on my investment. When I say return on my investment, I don't mean one of them will become a millionaire and take care of mommy and daddy. But heck if they do, and they want to I am o.k. with that! I am talking about the basics... love, loving their family (us), loving the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, Loving others and doing unto others as they want done unto themselves. Most Foster/Adopt children come with such inner struggles that it can be hard to achieve even the basics.

Proverbs 22:6 says "Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it".

I will forever invest my energies on my kids and I pray that our Faith will help us achieve a return on our investment.

November is National Adoption Month

November is probably my favorite month. It is the one time of the year I actually feel like I slow down and take a look at my life. Where am I going, what have I done, is it enough? Don't get me wrong, I don't always answer those questions but I at least have time to evaluate where my life is at. Another favorite part of November is the coziness of Thanksgiving even though we rarely do a traditional Thanksgiving meal. We just are not your turkey and stuffing kind of people. We are more like crab legs or prime rib kind of a family. Just knowing that my husband is home for four days makes me as giddy as can be. Now that we have adopted children November now has another special meaning, November is National Adoption Month.

National Adoption Month has one main focus which are the children in Foster Care. It is all about getting the word out about how many children are in need of homes. Permanent homes, getting them out of Foster Homes or Group Homes. Here is a little History for you. National Adoption week began in 1976 with President Gerald Ford. Although some say it did not really begin until 1984 with President Ronald Reagan. This I think was due to the lack of response from so many of the states. Even with not all states participating in this event, in 1994 President Clinton renamed it National Adoption Month due to more states beginning to participate.

We now also have National Adoption Day which is always one day in the month of November (this year it is the 23). This day allows courthouses throughout the U.S.to participate, which allows hundreds of adoptions to be filed at the same time. Most courthouses will have celebrations with cake and balloons. A really special day.

For me it is a great time to celebrate my family. It is also the perfect time for me to remind everyone that there are hundreds of thousands of children here in the United States that need forever homes.

I love this quote, every child deserves a champion...



National Adoption Month starts this Friday. I hope everyone takes a moment to ponder adoption, foster care, or even helping an adoptive or foster parent. You can make a difference. For more information you can go to:

http://adoptuskids.org/

http://www.davethomasfoundation.org/

http://www.nationaladoptionday.org/

Children not Statistics

Statistics disturb me... I never trust the source, always thinking they must be biased in some manner. These are statistics that I know to be correct, and that also disturbs me. Actually it brakes my heart which is part of my struggle with maintaining our Foster License. I read these numbers, and since we have now adopted three kiddos from Foster, these numbers are living breathing souls for me.

In the U.S. 400,540 children are living without permanent families in the foster care system.  115,000 of these children are eligible for adoption, but nearly 40% of these children will wait over three years in foster care before being adopted.

Each year, over 27,000 youth “age out” of foster care
without the emotional and financial support necessary to succeed.  This number has steadily risen over the past decade.  Nearly 40% had been homeless or couch surfed, nearly 60% of young men had been convicted of a crime, and only 48% were employed.  75% of women and 33% of men receive government benefits to meet basic needs.  50% of all youth who aged out were involved in substance use and 17% of the females were pregnant.

Nearly 25% of youth aging out did not have a high school diploma
or GED, and a mere 6% had finished a two- or four-year degree after aging out of foster care.  One study shows 70% of all youth in foster care have the desire to attend college.

As of 2011, nearly 60,000 children in foster care in the U.S. are placed in institutions
or group homes, not in traditional foster homes.

Over three years is the average length of time a child waits
to be adopted in foster care.  Roughly 55% of these children have had three or more placements.  An earlier study found that 33% of children had changed elementary schools five or more times, losing relationships and falling behind educationally.

You can find all of these statistics and more at http://www.ccainstitute.org/why-we-do-it-/facts-and-statistics.html

What would have happened to these 3 kiddos if we had not become Foster Parents? Where would they be? How many homes would they have lived in? Would they have received the help that they need?

What about all the others? Every child deserves a chance, no child asked to be part of these statistics. I know I cant save the world... But I will die trying.