Wednesday, March 12, 2014

This momma needs to climb back up the ladder, and start taking care of herself

I have been struggling with this post. For days I have been tossing it back and forth as to whether or not I should write it. Actually writing it is the easy part, it is whether or not I should publish it that I a had been struggling with. Then I dug deep and thought about why I am even writing this Blog, and I came up with two answers. The first being, I want to spread the word about Foster Care and Foster Parenting. As most of you have figured out I am passionate about this topic. The second being, I want moms to feel like they are not alone. Being a mom is hard, and I think we have gone away from the days of supporting each other as women and moms. But guess what, we are all in this together! Which is why I am opening up in this post. I hope this helps many women find comfort in knowing that they are not alone.

I have come to a breaking point. I have completely let myself go, and now it is time to rebuild. You see, I am no longer physically fit, I have found a way to justify eating garbage food, I am an emotional mess, I have become paranoid in my thinking feeling I am on the verge of a heart attack at all times, my stomach feels like their is an ulcer the size of Texas in it, my headaches never seem to go away, I am completely wound up at all times ready to bark at anyone that gives me just cause, I worry about every little thing which does not allow me to enjoy anything, my parenting has become sub par. My list could go on, but I think you get the point. I have never felt so awful. I am ashamed of myself. 

This past week was the straw that broke the camels back. I came down with Laryngitis, which put me into a bit of a depression. I finally threw my arms up in the air and said, "I can't go on like this"... I have fallen into a pattern that many women fall into. That of putting your childrens needs above your own. By now you know that my children have quite a few needs. We have three different types of Therapists and an army of Doctors. The amount of appointments in any given week that we go to, is just craziness. There are things in my life that I know I can not change. Like JayJay and her battle with Mono. Until she is well we are going to continue to have some challenging days. Like Sammie our beloved 10 year old dog who is in the last chapter of her life. Every day is a new challenge for her and for us, but since she is still happy and showing love we will continue to cater to her needs. Like LeiLei who is about to have toe surgery, and dealing with the daily tears because she is uncomfortable. Like Ademan who is 2 going on 3, and very good at it... Enough said.

What I can change is where I place myself on this ladder. I will not always get top billing, nor should I. But I need to make it a priority to not be at the bottom. If I am not taking care of myself, am I really taking care of anyone else? It is not a matter of going through the motions of mommy hood, it is about being in the moment emotionally, physically, and mentally with my family. If I am not healthy, my family will suffer. I need to find a way to implement a little bit of 'me' time every day.

So now it is time to pick myself up and rebuild. I am not expecting to reemerge the way I was before children.. Nor would I want to. These past four years have opened my eyes and I would not trade that for anything. But, I do plan on coming back healthier, happier, stronger, and a bit more carefree. I want to be around for a long time which means it is time to stop this train before it wrecks. Time to start exercising, eating better, taking time away from the kids every once in awhile without feeling guilty, and figuring out how to slip a date night in with the hubby every now and then. I know it will not be easy, if it were I would not be in the position that I am in now. I will have set backs, I will become frustrated, but I have to do this. I also know that I can not do it alone. 

Here is my plan of attack... I plan on joining Weight Watchers to help me with my weight loss. I think I need to be held accountable for what I am putting in my body. I also think that it will be a good way to not alienate myself from my family at meal time. I don't want to be on a diet that will require me to make one meal for family and a separate meal for myself. As for fitness, I recently purchased a Zumba pack from Costco and I love it. It has felt so great to move again. I did not realize how tight and stiff my body had become over the past few years. I also (when the weather warms up) look forward to getting out on my bike with my hubby. I am going to force myself to at least once a month do something that requires me to leave my home without my kids. I will break down and find a babysitter so that I can have a date night with my husband. Our last date night was in December, its now March, that is ridiculous.

So from now on when I think about eating that white chocolate KitKat thirty minutes after eating my lunch, or find a way to justify skipping my work-out session for the day so I can get caught up on laundry, or decide that I need to stay home with my kids because someone has a runny nose as opposed to going out for coffee with a girlfriend, I will remind myself that without me taking care of myself, I am also not taking care of my family. This will lead to sub par parenting, and I probably will not live a long healthy life. I need to be an example for my kiddos. I want to live a long life and watch my kiddos grow up to become great examples. I also want to be a better wife to my poor hubby who puts up with my cranky, craziness. I want to have more fun, I want to be more present, and I want to be a more patient less cranky momma!


  1. Girl! You and me.....we need to do this. I am flabbergasted when I look in the mirror. I look old, chubby and unhappy! I have been thinking about WW - I'm looking forward to hearing how you're liking it. I need to do something and fast. Let's do it together!!!

    1. I have not signed up yet... Just let me know! We can sign up together...

  2. I think moms everywhere would agree!


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